How do I approach a girl so beautiful, her wit and intelligence mirror Einstein’s, her subtle insights and sweet retorts deeply touch my own sentiments and I can feel my own love for her grow existentially. Taking advice from the romantic Ray J and the loving Drake, I decide on the classic approach, “Hey there Lil Mama.”

“Uhhh” there are two main issues with his introduction. Firstly how does a woman respond to this, ‘like giggle giggle’, or ‘yeah thats me’? Secondly, WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? I am 5 6’, average height for a female, period, and I am no mama, I will not respond to a title that is degrading and wrong in so many different categories, this kid is a fool.

Well… that did not go well, Drake man, you let me down. She’s clearly looking for an intellectual, someone who is well spoken, reflective. Here goes nothing. Take two: “Hey, that class really made me question my previous conclusion on the space time continuum, just considering the parallels between atomic energy and human emotion continues to baffle me, how about you?”

“Uhhh” were we even in the same class, because I don’t think english 101 covers that. Is he trying to brag about how he can put a sentence together, and use theories that are hard to understand, because it isn’t fooling me, I see through his sad attempts at appearing smart. He should know that a woman isn’t just looking for a man that can speak well and use big words. All we need is someone who is kind and treats us right, he doesn’t need to be Einstein for God’s sake. He should know that women are not that shallow, his pathetic attempts at conversation do not deserve a response.

Yikes… Maybe she doesn’t know what that means, I made her feel stupid, rookie mistake. What’s that saying – quality over quantity, simplicity that is what will get me the girl. Take three: “Hey, what’s up?”

What’s up, seriously, I mean I know I said that women aren’t necessarily looking for long complex introductions, but this is crazy. I am not made of words, he is expecting me to put in all the effort, produce all the conversation, and that takes more energy than he would know. What a generic approach. He has categorized me with all the other girls that talk for hours just to relieve awkwardness, I refuse to respond to this kind of mundane introduction.

You know what. screw this, I have brainstormed and ceaselessly tried to start up a conversation, and I have literally gotten zero response. My sweet attempts have gone ignored and there is a point in every man’s life where it is not worth it anymore. This time I am protesting, and every time after this, I will not be subjected to her judgmental looks for just trying to start a conversation. I win you lose. We could have had an incredible discussion, but no she decided to miss out on this beautiful opportunity. My silence will prove to her that I do not care, or want to talk to her anymore.

How do I approach a man so sincere, standing against the wall, clearly pensive and silent, his serenity touches me and I am overwhelmed by his engrossing aura, I am in his trap, “Hey Lil Papa.”