Satire: Ciabatta Rolls too Immense for Sandwiches

Despite frequent sandwich orders that request the bread, a new study finds that ciabatta rolls are simply not an effective platform for sandwiches.

On Monday, the University of Marin’s Journal of Science, Medicine and Sandwich Research released an extensive and comprehensive study that examines the logistics of the popular bread. It finds that the bread is simply too ginormous and dense for sandwiches, and thus overwhelms the filling of the lunchtime staple.

The 74-page document concludes that the size of the roll is too large when compared to the amount of filling that the sandwich contains. The report finds that, on average, sandwiches made with ciabatta have a bread-to-filling ratio of seven to three-and-three-quarters. The optimal bread-to-filling ratio of sandwiches is widely known as five-to-four, though the American Center of Croque-Monsieur Appreciation reports last month that the optimal bread-to-filling ratio of for open-faced sandwiches is two-and-a-half-to-four.

The article also cites the “chalkiness and lack of flavor” of the roll as a reason to choose other sandwich foundation options.
“The roll is completely tasteless when served raw,” said Michael Blickstein, co-author of the report and self-proclaimed sandwich enthusiast. “You really need to toast it, butter it and lather it up with mustard and mayonnaise and such until it becomes something that’s even remotely edible.”

UM is not alone in its opposition to the sandwich roll. Last May, the Italian Food Regulation Agency in Rome released a statement that rejected the authenticity of modern interpretations of ciabatta.

“The ciabatta roll was invented several hundred years ago as a light, delicate bread to complement fine Italian oils, olives, and tomatoes, such as in the form of bruschetta,” the report stated. “Now, you Americans have totally bastardized it. Why are you all using it for your disgustingly oversized sandwiches?”

The statement denounced the creation of the Wendy’s “Ciabatta Bacon Cheeseburger” as “a complete insult to Italian culture,” and “an absolute abomination of cuisine.” The Agency had previously only used such harsh language in their statements on Olive Garden and Spaghetti-O’s.

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About Cole Crawford

Cole Crawford is a senior in his third year with The Paper Tiger; he currently serves as the Tiger's Managing Editor and Centerspread Editor. Crawford primarily writes about the Lick community, sports, and politics. He is 6' 4".

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